just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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