He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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