She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
