I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Randomize
