this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
