just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
as a side note pls kill me
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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