I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
