I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So much rum. So many feels.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
