I want you more than these girls want KFC
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
