My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
