just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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