Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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