For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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