Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
