The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
