so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I deserve this hangover.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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