I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing