When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
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