i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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