1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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