Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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