I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
