I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
