Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
