Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
