I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
