my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
