Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
