Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
