The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
