Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
