we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
