The maid of honor just puked.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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