if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
