Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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