if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Randomize
