Don't make out with my wife yet
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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