Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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