im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
