I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
