This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
