I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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