next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I am one with the molecules
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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