i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
