you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
