becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i drank out of a bidet.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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