So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
