she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize