Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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