I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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