I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
