shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
