she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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