homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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