I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
