6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
