She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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